Why We Struggle to Express Our Needs (And How It’s Quietly Hurting Our Relationships)

It astounds me how far we are from being able to express our needs. A session with a client left my mind spinning about needs. And then I had a dental appointment—and I was right back in it.

Let me start here. I loathe the dentist. I don’t have major dental trauma. A few years of braces, the typical wisdom teeth removal. But you can catch me at my OBGYN’s table any day over a dental appointment. So I pack up my nerves and off I go for a regular cleaning.

During the cleaning, I was in a lot of pain. Initially, I told myself, This is what you get for waiting longer than six months. I was completely self-flagellating—holding my tongue, not letting the hygienist know just how much pain I was in. I settled my body. I imagined walking through a field of yellow flowers, touching the soft petals.

But it wasn’t until I flinched that the hygienist checked in.

I said it was feeling really painful, and she replied, “Oh, I’ll turn the setting down.”

And in that moment, something shifted. I realized I had been enduring pain that was completely adjustable—simply because I hadn’t named it.

Before I go further, let me pause here. A need isn’t a demand. It isn’t a weakness. And it isn’t something you earn by being “low maintenance.”
A need is information—about your body, your nervous system, your values, and what helps you stay regulated and connected. When needs go unnamed, they don’t disappear. They show up as tension, distance, resentment, or shutdown.

As humans, we tend to do one of two things when something hurts: we internalize it and make it mean something about us, or we externalize it and make it someone else’s fault. We struggle psychologically when we lose the flexibility to move between both.

On one hand, it had been awhile since my last cleaning. On the other hand, she might have been going a little rough.

When she offered to turn the setting down, I was confronted with my own unhelpful strategy with needs: I minimize them, and I don’t make them known. And I do this because, like many people I work with, I carry the narrative that my needs are problematic to others.

This is exactly what I see play out in relationships.

So let’s talk about some really unhelpful things you might be doing with your needs—and how you might begin to shift them.

You believe others should understand your needs in order for them to be valid.
This form of self-abandonment leaves you running on empty, and over time, it almost always turns into resentment. You are you, and your partner will never have the same needs as you. Learning to see your needs as unique—and valid even when they’re not fully understood—is a powerful reframe.

You think others should just know what your needs are.
Many people grow up with the idea that if someone really cares, they should just know. This is one of the biggest mistakes in relationships. You are responsible for expressing your needs. And this act—naming them—is actually part of deep connection. When partners understand each other’s needs, they feel closer and are far more likely to meet them.

You think you’re being needy, a burden, or “too much.”
I hear this one often, especially around the need for attention. Hear me on this: having needs makes you human. I like to reframe “you’re too needy” as instead having a faulty system for how needs are being met. That shift alone can change everything.

You share what you don’t want, but forget to share what you do want.
It’s easier to point out the negative. It also protects you from vulnerability. Saying only what you don’t want sounds like, I don’t have to be exposed if I stay critical. Getting clear on what you do want takes more courage—but it gives your partner something they can actually respond to.

You prioritize others’ needs over your own.
Many people learned early that connection came through caregiving or peacekeeping. These roles required putting your needs aside to ensure others were okay. In therapy, I often ask clients to imagine being in a relationship with someone like them. They usually pause and say, “It would feel one-sided.” Yes. Healthy relationships are built by two people practicing meeting both their own needs and each other’s.

If you’ve been nodding along and wondering how to change this, here are three ways to start navigating your needs differently.

First, slow down.
Some needs are immediate—you feel sad and know you need a hug. Other times, especially during conflict, it’s much harder to identify what you need. If you don’t know where to start, begin with your body. Notice hunger, thirst, tension, restlessness. Scan for tight areas and gently move or stretch them. Your body often knows before your mind does.

Second, shape your needs into positive, clear directives.
Ask yourself, If a fly were on the wall, what would it actually see me or my partner doing?
This turns vague requests into actionable ones. “I need reassurance” becomes “I need you to tell me you’re in this with me.” “I need connection” becomes “I need ten minutes of screen-free time tonight.”

Third, practice meeting your own needs.
Don’t wait for someone else to approve them or fully understand them first. Name what you need. Offer it to yourself where you can. This isn’t about doing relationships alone—it’s about bringing your needs into connection rather than hiding them.

When you stop minimizing your needs, you don’t become demanding.
You become more honest. More present. More available for real connection.

Needs don’t push people away. Unspoken ones do.

If expressing your needs feels uncomfortable, confusing, or even risky, you’re not broken. Most of us were never taught how to identify our needs—let alone communicate them without guilt, fear, or defensiveness.

This is exactly why I created Be Connected.

Inside the membership, we slow this work down. We practice identifying needs without self-judgment, translating them into clear requests, and learning how to stay emotionally regulated while expressing them. You’ll find practical tools, scripts, and guided reflections to help you stop minimizing yourself—and start showing up more honestly in your relationship. Supported by live coaching and community. 

Because connection doesn’t come from having fewer needs.
It comes from learning how to understand and express them—together.